How Sarge Ray Tore Apart a Fanmake
by Sarge Ray
Summary: A disgruntled fanfic browser is not-too-pleased with how fanmake quality is turning out, so he writes a review to try and send a message. Yes, the entire review is done in rhyme.
1. Prologue

**If you're going to baw about how I'm "being mean" or about how this is a "mean-hearted flame", this isn't. It's a REVIEW and I will be going someplace with this near the end.**

**So, if you don't like negative reviews and don't like taking constructive criticism, leave this page now.**

* * *

Everyone in Cartoon X-Overs liked fanmakes a lot  
But Sarge Ray, who paid ghost visits to the section did NOT.

Sarge Ray hated fanmakes, which he viewed as acts of treason.  
Now, please, don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps, that his standards were too high.  
It could be that, these days, the authors wouldn't even try

But I think that the most likely reason of all  
May have been that fanmake quality was ninety sizes too small

But whatever the reason, his standards or lack of stakes  
He sat in front of his laptop, HATING the fanmakes

Staring straight at the screen with a deep and loathsome scowl  
And from the depth of his throat emerged a murderous growl

For he knew every author in that section inside  
Was glad to have a movie to unconsciously deride

"And they're making their fan-casts" He snarled with a sneer  
"And more will be coming. Heck, they're already here!"

And he growled, with his legendary death grip so-quickly tightening  
"The number of bad fanmakes these days is just simply FRIGHTENING!

"For tomorrow, I know, all amateur authors far and wide  
Will look for great movies and plots to cast aside

"And, to all critics, it annoys! Annoys! Annoys! Annoys!  
And I'm one of those people that it annoys! ANNOYS! ANNOYS! ANNOYS!

"And they'll watch and play good media without care  
They'll strip them of their quality to the point that they're bare!  
"They'll cast characters wrong and ruin timeless scenes.  
They'll make anti-heroes nice, a sight not to be seen.  
"They'll leave some scenes untouched, then warp others more,  
An act to anger good authors right down to their core.  
"And they'll put themselves in for some creepy pairing  
And what they'll come up with is just critic-scaring.  
"And then they'll make a most eye-gouging feat:  
Gender-swap the environment for fangirl eye treat.

"Then the fanmake authors will just copy and paste  
And they'll paste! And they'll paste! And they'll paste! Paste! PASTE! PASTE!  
They'll forget to change character names, and forget past and present-tense.  
Oh, such lack of talent means they have little to no sense.

"And then, they'll do something I hate most of all!  
Every fanmake amateur, the large and small  
They sometimes get lazy: have ideas but no drive,  
Then put them up for adoption, and allow crappier material to arrive!

"And they'll show up more, and more, and more, and MORE!"

And the more that Ray thought of these lazy fanfic kings,  
The more that Ray thought, "I must stop this whole thing!  
Why for almost eight years, I've put up with it now!  
I must teach these amateurs a lesson! But how?"

Then he got an idea! A clever idea!  
Sarge Ray got a terrible-but-clever idea!

"I know just what to do!" Ray said, his plan now afloat.  
"I'll write a review and then shove it down their throat!"

And he searched and thought, "I've also got the perfect fic!  
With this style and this review, it may just do the trick!"

He found what he was looking for, then opened up "Word"  
Before the idea of this review of his blurred.  
An author Dragonmaster77 stood out  
As the one thing Ray would use to settle this bout.  
The fanmake's name is, and I kid you not, this is true  
"So-Nic-Oh: Duelist Kingdom", the name's as appealing as poo.

Then his fingers set to typing, a pace quicker than lightning,  
Writing a review to which amateurs will find frightening.  
Warning to all fanmake authors who are feeling very blithe,  
The contents of the next chapter may just make you writhe.  
It will not be friendly, I swear to you, so before you click the link,  
Don't say you weren't warned, for you won't be tickled pink.

* * *

**First chapter is done and in the next one, the reviewing really begins.**


	2. The Review

Hello, my name is Ray, and I am here writing to you  
In a Dr. Seuss-ian style fanfiction review.  
I will show you in style and please let me have my say  
Of just what the heck is wrong with fanmakes this day.

The fanmake I'll delve into is of the anime, "Yu-Gi-Oh"  
But with Sonic characters in place of the characters we love and know.  
This doesn't sound bad, but trust me when I say this,  
"You better find a happy place or some drugs to give you bliss."

The first chapter's not a chapter, but a cast list, you see,  
Which is the first telltale sign that you should turn heel and flee.  
Rather than surprise you and make you read to find out more  
It tells you who's who first chapter, and just what's to abhor.

Blank characters aside, my jaw clenched with disgust  
When I saw the cast for Joey, whom Yugi doth trust  
Mephiles the Dark from the game Sonic '06  
Is a downright crap choice among these types of fics.

I had to blurt out, "Why'd he think this fit well?  
Wouldn't Vector the Crocodile be a much better sell?  
Vector's loyal-but-dim like Mr. Wheeler is, sir!  
Casting villains as heroes is as bad as any racial slur!"

As I looked through the cast list, I saw the Mokuba choice,  
Miles "Tails" Prower, who's only similar in voice.  
Character-wise, though, didn't and wouldn't work.  
Tails is loyal to SONIC, not a black-and-red jerk.

Yes, Shadow plays Kaiba, a fitting choice I won't lie,  
But there existed other castings I just could not let fly.  
Like Eggman playing Pegasus, which is cliché and dumb  
Fat men shouldn't play witty villains, you doped-up little bum!

Mako's role is empty, save a single question mark.  
And lack of progress in months means we'll be left in the dark  
Rex Raptor's replaced by Scourge, but there was just one nitpick  
It was spelled to sound like "Scrooge", not a good sign for any critic

For those of you who think this is all Sonic-related  
There's just another thing to ensure the fic's berated.  
Characters from other games and franchises abide  
and are just about everywhere in this fic's inside.

Arkham Asylum's Scarecrow and Transformers' Knockout  
Are among those few characters who should simply clock out.  
Why not make it all Sonic, from the comics and cartoons?  
That should make it appease to the fans, you unintelligent baboon!

I was losing patience fast and the first chapter, not yet in sight,  
Yet the complaints I could give to you could carry all through the night.  
Oh, then it got worse as I saw some OCs  
From the author's acquaintances to add to my peeves.

Two duelists in the series, whose names we don't know,  
Are available for casting, causing my anger to grow.  
Why cast for the guys that we care nothing about,  
Is it just to get friends' attention, you unimaginative lout?!

Duke Devlin is empty, and OCs run amok once more  
Causing my anger to keep seeping all the way to my core!

The Big Five are Metarex from the finale of Sonic X,  
But I can name a few Sonic fans who'd give that idea "blech's"  
The Millennium Items are all Chaos-Emerald based  
But when it comes to naming these items, it's all laid to waste  
For example, Purple Chaos Rod sounds like a…never mind I'm moving on.  
It isn't safe for work, I'll say, and we'll all just carry on.

So, there's the cast chapter and the question I am asking  
is "Are you through with the stupidity in which you are basking?"

But wait! There's more, and I kid you not!  
He gives a quick chapter that wastes space a lot!  
He explains that he knows of this "Season 0" of Yu-Gi-Oh  
And I bet you're looking for a window so you can conveniently up-throw!

It's only a paragraph long and I'm still wondering  
Why he didn't acknowledge his Mephiles blundering?!  
No one has called him out yet, a great mystery I'm sure  
And the anger it caused in me came out fast like a blur.

So, after this little waste of time finally ends  
We arrive at the first chapter, but it's a false message it sends.  
It's a prologue, you see, trying to show "respect" to the show,  
But all a prologue is in a fanmake is a first chapter faux.

It tries to imitate the show's intro for episodes 1 and 2  
But for any true fans, I'm betting it's really starting to bug you.  
It tries to capture the show's images and sense of eeriness  
But words and descriptions can only give critics a sense of dreariness.

The magic's not in Egypt, it's in medieval Europe now  
In reference to "Black Knight" if you don't have Sonic know-how.  
The "narrator" says "when swords and sorcery were still young"  
And I doubt you need genius for this sentence to be wrung.

In just about any fantasy series to this day  
Magic goes back to civilization's birth, and I do mean ALL the way.  
Medieval Europe would be very close to modern day, you twit  
So, "swords and sorcery" would NOT be young, you inconsistent git.

Sonic is shown holding the show's equivalent of the Puzzle,  
Which means that he's playing Yugi and it will be vodka that you guzzle.  
He'll also host "King" the Yami stand-in in this travesty  
But I swear to all heaven never to refer to him as "majesty"

So, after all this build-up of bad casting and lame "suspense"  
It's about time for the REAL story that the author will dispense  
Upon us to enjoy and give us a good show  
But we know from page one that this fic's going to blow.

We begin in Mortropolis and, yes, that's the city's name  
It's quite a bad start and the title's very lame.  
The author goes and tells us Mephiles is Sonic's friend  
To which I have to shout to the sky "will this ever end?!"

Sorry I come back to it, but I just have to ask how  
the guy who killed Sonic turned good and dumb somehow!  
And as for Tea Gardner, who's loyal, but reserved  
The choice of Amy Rose means sarcasm is deserved.

The first major problem is that, though the characters have changed,  
Creativity with personalities and cheap cop-outs have been exchanged.  
The characters say the same things almost line-for-line  
And changing nothing from the source is something truly asinine.

They use the same cards, they say the same things  
Yet hundreds of authors praise these fanmakes like kings!  
I kid you not that the cards are the same  
Same stats, same attribute, all that's missing is the name.  
The author doesn't even tell us what cards are what  
Which signals to me that he needs a kick in the butt!

Shadow listens in exactly like Kaiba did; it's a bore  
And the eyes just keep rolling when you see the title "Project Corp".  
What were they thinking? Even now, it escapes me.  
Bland naming is just as annoying as "arrow to the knee"!

Sonic takes them to the game store to meet his Uncle Chuck  
And if you think anything's changed, I say "don't push your luck"!  
If you ever watched the show, and I'm pretty sure you have,  
I'm pretty sure your expectations have already been halved.

Chuck shows them the white dragon with eyes colored blue.  
I've seen this in the show and I'm sure you have, too.  
No dialogue has changed, save a couple of lines  
And I'm still surprised of the lack of plagiarism fines.

So, Shadow comes in to get a glimpse of the cards  
And Mephiles, out-of-character, acts like a huge retard.  
Shadow spots the card and tries to buy it off,  
It's almost word for word and truly worthy of a scoff.

Chuck brushes him off, saying it belonged to a friend,  
Turning down cards and money, and not once does he bend.  
My thoughts drift to this concept, and it's one I'll bet you know,  
"If all he did was change characters, then I'd rather watch the show."

This is a typical flaw of fanmakes, one you'll spot all the time,  
And this little fact is certain: it's the opposite of sublime.  
They change almost nothing from the material it's based on  
They only take out the characters and different ones they paste on.

Same dialogue, same story, same execution, too,  
Yet I have to sit through this crap just to entertain you.  
But I'm losing track of the story, despite how painful it may be,  
There's far more to tear apart and more atrocities to see.

Shadow storms out of the store, claiming cards are all about power  
And my interest is draining fast; it might be gone within the hour.  
Shadow orders his butler Walter, and a question comes to mind.  
"Is this guy Sonic-related? Or is it a mystery to the mind?"

They abduct Uncle Chuck and leave his game store completely vacant.  
And I just cannot stress how the storyline is blatant.  
Shadow challenges Yugi-I mean Sonic, my apologies.  
I forgot they changed characters in fics as bad as these.

The challenge is set and the grammar's downright bad,  
because reading "hearing visiting" will make grammar Nazis sad.  
I ask, "Did he flunk 8th Grade English? Did he sleep through the class?"  
And the rhyme I have in response, I fear, is just a little too crass.

They rush to Shadow's corporation to find Chuck in a heap,  
And Sonic accepts a challenge and in trouble, he's in hip-deep.  
The duel shortly begins after Amy's soul-stirring speech,  
But I'm actually more comfy, when off Sonic she tries to leech.

For those who don't know, Amy's obsessed with the blue blur,  
And has accumulated entire legions of anti-Amy slurs.  
I know many want her to just give it up so yaoi fangirls have their way,  
But I'd prefer Tea being Tea at the end of the day.

Back on track, the game is on and Sonic's "other half" takes over  
And earns only rolling eyes from this lonesome fanfic rover.  
The duel is on and my suspicions are confirmed now.  
The author uses the same cards, that unimaginative cow.

From the giant one-eyed cyclops to the famous Dark Magician,  
It actually gave me a tumor and I now must see a physician.  
The pain doubled soon as right into the fray,  
Comes Mokuba stand-in Tails, who hasn't long to stay.

He's only there for a moment and it still pains me to see,  
That he's rooting for Shadow and not Sonic, obviously!  
What's worse is that he calls Shadow "brother", a huge slap to the face,  
But if the fic continues on, I know there are worse plans in place.

So, we all know the gist of it, Shadow soon summons all three Blue-Eyes  
But the fic doesn't get better no matter how hard the author tries.  
Sonic quickly loses focus, but his friends help it stay,  
Then he summons Exodia and blows everything away.

Trust me on this, it's not as awesome as it sounds  
And the revealing of Eggman means stupidity knows no bounds.  
Fortunately the good news is that the end is finally here  
And the lack of updates in months means there may be nothing to fear.

So, it's finally over and the big question by far,  
Is just how could this fanfic be so very crap-tacular.  
Characters cast wrong, the copy-paste story's extremely rough  
And it either has too much description or simply not enough.

It's a waste of space, and a waste of time, too,  
And I doubt there is much more for me to lay down to you.  
This fanmake sucks bad, but there are many like it still,  
That are similar in quality and fail to fit my bill.

Authors have long forgotten what "parody" and "entertainment" mean  
They change the characters, but originality's none to be seen.  
The characters change, but personality does not  
And these authors are all convinced that they are fiery hot.

I don't know what to say anymore, the fic itself is just bad.  
I'd also like to remind you that there's no fun to be had  
Reading this if you're a fan of Sonic or Yu-Gi-Oh,  
Lest you want to quickly gain a fiery, angry glow.

I end on this to ensure that you don't lose it and flip,  
If you visit Cartoon X-Overs, the fic's worth a definite skip.  
One star out of ten and, trust me, that's putting it light.  
Now's the end of the review, and I humbly say "good-night".


	3. Epilogue

With his review done and done, Ray nodded in delight,  
The fanfic was terrible, at best it was only trite.  
Then he raced straight to the site Fanfiction dot net,  
And began setting up for the motion he set.

A quick file upload and a chapter he did post,  
Of the review of fanfic styles that he hated the most.  
He tore it to pieces, then he tore it to shreds,  
He tore it to the point where the fic actually bled.

"Oh, that ought to teach them!" Ray said, his hands blood-speckled,  
"They're really not going to like that one of their kind has been heckled!  
"They'll go to Cartoon X-Overs and they'll open the review.  
"Their faces will contort as they read it through-and-through.  
"Then all the amateurs in the fanmake business will all cry 'Boo-hoo'!"

"That's something," said Sarge Ray, "That I simply must see!"  
Then he paused, and he typed in "fanmake" as a search key.  
And he did see something new on his computer screen.  
But it wasn't what he thought, it couldn't have been!

The fanmakes were still coming, even faster than before!  
And when Ray blinked just once, there appeared at least three more!  
His message hadn't gotten through to anyone, it seemed.  
In fact, it was ignored by all as the fanmakes greatly teemed.

And Sarge Ray, with his loathsome scowl beginning to grow,  
Sat puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?  
They didn't learn squat! They didn't learn JACK!  
They didn't even listen, those ignorant hacks!"

And he pondered and pondered, then pondered some more,  
Long enough for a composer to write a musical score.  
He arrived at a conclusion, one he hoped was not true;  
That some people were too dense for a message to get through.

And what happened then? Well, his friends will say  
That Sarge Ray's hope for fanmakes shrunk ten sizes that day.  
He posted the last chapter of his little review,  
Then saw that it was morning and visible was the dew.

He slumped to his back porch, and pulled up a chair,  
Then took a seat and, to the horizon, he took a long stare.  
He sat there for hours, ignoring even dinner,  
Knowing that fanmakes will continue to amateur beginners.

So, that ends this story of how somebody tried  
To make an example…maybe he was a little too snide?  
But in the end, it's up to you whether you go easy or strive  
To make something creative and not something contrived.

_THE END_

**(A/U: It ain't over yet. Stay tuned and I'll give you a REAL and in-detail look at what's wrong with fanmakes these days, give examples of good ones, and how to make fanmakes enjoyable.)**


	4. Seriously, though

Hello, everyone, Sarge Ray here with the more serious aspect of this little fanfic review. First off, I would like to say that I enjoyed making this Seuss-styled review and, honestly, the rhyming bit was not as hard as I thought it would be and I did feel I capture the majority of problems in the fic itself.

However, if there's one thing the rhyming can't do, it's providing in-depth looks into what exactly is wrong with it on a serious note. That's why this chapter is here to begin with.

Are fanmakes lazy writing, or can they be done correctly?

They can be done correctly with creativity, knowledge on characters/story, and hard work. The problem these days is that just about everyone in the Cartoon X-Overs section doesn't do the "hard work" part. They're either unwilling to stop and think things through or don't see it as an option. How and when does this show?

The first sign is that they adopt the ideas of other people who are too lazy to do the work themselves. I can't count how many times I have seen "adopted from *insert author name here*" in one of their descriptions. It shows that, rather than create their own piece of work, they take it from someone else and fill in the slots with whomever they please.

This brings me to the next sign of amateur fanmakes: the cast list. The first reason it's disliked is that it has several instances of "blank spaces" where they're too lazy to come up with a decent character and let other people do it (no matter how ridiculous they may be). The second reason is that it gives away just what the fanmake has in store for them: someone will be able to tell whether or not the fic is bad just by reading that single chapter. Also, this little list is against fanfiction policy and can result in consequences (removal of story and suspension from posting to name but a few).

How can people tell the fic will be bad? Well, here are a few prime examples of bad casting.

**One: The characters don't fit  
**This is a big one and the most common. Let's say you grew up watching Disney's "Hercules" and you stumble across someone who made a fanmake of it and cast Shadow the Hedgehog as Zeus. Does it fit? No, it doesn't. Shadow is cold, focused, and rarely compassionate to anyone. He is NOT fit for the fatherly and wise Zeus (or at least how Disney portrays him). But, by far, the biggest slap in the face I have gotten in a fanmake was (I kid you not, this actually happened) when someone casted Xiaolin Showdown's Chase Young as FA MULAN. Not only does this miss the mark entirely when it comes to casting, it portrays the cruel and cunning villain as a feministic pansy in the first part of the fic. It gets even worse when you realize that the author was a GUY.

**Two: Background characters are cast  
**This isn't as bad as the previous entry, but one that irritates me to no end nonetheless. The main characters I understand, but why do you need to go to all this trouble to show us who the background characters are? Nobody cares who the fire-eater from "Aladdin" was, or the duelist who got his cards and stars stolen in Yu-Gi-Oh. If they're unimportant characters in the all-in-all story, please leave them be. Don't waste time casting for them because they'll be gone in no time.

**Three: Gender-Swapped Environment  
**Tell me, have you ever wanted all the male characters of "The Lion King" to be replaced with female characters that may or may not match their personalities? Did you want to see Agrabah turned into an Amazonian Matriarchy? No? Didn't think so.

This is a desperate move on their part; just an attempt to earn the attention of female authors who happen to be browsing about. I understand that some people want women to get all the power (especially in this day and age), but here's the thing…society has been dominated by men for centuries. This isn't anti-feminism, this is the truth. Lion King is based on the play "Hamlet" and it was a time when women had very few rights and use aside from giving children and tending homes (even on royal standards, to an extent).

The other thing that makes this bad is that it turns male characters (some pretty strong/cool ones at that) and turns them into emotional "want-more-than-this-life" pansies. I direct you to the "Chase Young/Mulan Casting" I mentioned earlier.

**Four: Needless Add-Ins  
**So, I'm reading a fanmake of "Aladdin" and all these characters come in to assist the Aladdin stand-in. Who are they? They're not the monkey, the genie, or the princess (they've already been established). No, they're either in it for a pointless side-romance or just because the author wanted them in the story. They contribute very little to the story, if anything at all.

So, those are the problems that a cast list provides and can kill moods before the story even begins. But I have noticed OTHER problems in the entirety of the story as well. While a trained reader and critic can spot a few, others are pretty obvious.

The first thing to check for is character mistypes. One minute in a fanmake, the stand-in will be Amy Rose, but a sentence later, it will read "Starfire". This means that the author has copied the story elements from someone else (this is an act of plagiarism, which is punishable by Fanfiction standards). This comes off as laziness because the writer seems too lazy and/or unimaginative to come up with their own material, so they copy other people's work and try to pass it off as their own (this can also be used if you compare it to other fanmakes for different writing styles.

Second is to check the tenses continuously. Many an amateur fanmake-author (i.e. Batthan and TDragon195) seem to shift between past- and present-tense. They'll use "he threw" to "he throws" in the span of a few paragraphs. If you were writing a paper for college or a career and they spotted this, you would lose a ton of credibility and they would throw you out like three-day-old garbage.

Another huge problem I have with fanmakes is with descriptions. I find that they either have too much explanation or not enough. On a more common occasion, though, they'll actually have both problems at the same time: too much and not enough. Some fanmake authors will go to all this trouble to describe what some characters look like, but won't do JACK to things like action sequences, monsters, and landscapes/atmosphere. What's the point of reading a fanmake of "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" (yes, someone actually DID that) when you don't describe the duel between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon against Darth Maul: one of the few things that made that movie WORTH WATCHING? But we're not talking about that now…

I don't like how, in these fanmakes, the characters that the author chooses don't act like themselves. One such example is Knuckles the Echidna in…okay, I'll be honest; ANY fanmake by Batthan. Rather than be the tough fist-fighter that he is, Batthan just has him repeat the same things as the character he's assigned to: he'll be jolly and fussy like the Sultan if he wanted him to. Sonic will say and act the same way as Yugi Mutou in the very fic I made the rhyming review on. Sonic doesn't act like himself: he's not the fun-loving, adventure-seeking daredevil we all know and love. He's a wuss like Yugi, he says the same things, he even uses the same cards (I, personally, think he'd go for a different style).

In terms of story and source material, it's incredibly bland: just the same story with different characters. No changes in plot, atmosphere, or elements. If I wanted to watch "Beauty and the Beast", I would watch the movie, not read a fanmake about it. But I do enjoy the feel of a classic and, while I welcome something completely different (i.e. different setting, change of certain elements, darker tone), I don't welcome anything TOO drastic. I don't want to see "The Little Mermaid" turn into a bloody warzone (I'm aware of how dark and depressing the original book is, but you can go too far) or have Winnie the Pooh become a Narnia-esque epic.

So, with all these notable problems, you would think that I have no hope for fanmakes in general, right?

WRONG.

Are there good fanmakes out in ? Yes, but they're extremely hard to come across and are essentially like finding diamonds among gravel. They come from authors who actually devote time and effort to making it familiar-but-different.

If I had to choose a prime example, it would be from my brother, TLSoulDude. He rewrote his "Aladdin" fanmake and he did a VERY good job at it. I think it's VERY funny because of how many fourth wall jokes cracked by the narrator and the characters alike. I think that's the beauty of the fic: that it doesn't always take itself seriously and cracks jokes almost constantly.

It has the same basic structure as "Aladdin", but it doesn't tell the exact same story through different characters. It keeps its characters in-character, like how Bender and Jack Sparrow kind of tag-team the role of Abu. They're not doing the same things Abu does, but with dialogue, they're being themselves and saying their own lines while being very funny in the process. It's also fun to see just how these very different characters in the entire cast bounce off each other because of such differing personalities.

Also, because it doesn't use a cast list, the fic can surprise the reader with some pretty funny character inclusions/guest stars. And because these characters actually act in-character, it allows for different takes on the story as well as different methods to the problems at hand. It should have the familiarity of the original source material, but either take a moment to crack jokes or make it something different in terms of dialogue, interaction, and background.

So, there you have it. I've listed my main problems with fanmakes these days and suggested how they can be done correctly. If you feel I missed something that could also work, feel free to tell me. I'm happy to learn new things and take a few tips.

Until next time.

** -Sarge Ray**


End file.
